Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
