I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
