so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
