I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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