New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
