he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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