Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
