so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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