If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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