wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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