would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
