3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
