I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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