She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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