8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
