I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
