so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
