my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
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