Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
