i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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