i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
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