The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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