listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
