He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
