I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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