I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
