if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
