we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
