White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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