Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
