I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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