someone threw a dead crab at me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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