looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
3 2 1 whiskey
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
