hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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