Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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