I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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