Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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