Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize