Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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