I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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