the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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