just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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