I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
