My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
