I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
