I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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