Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
