I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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