my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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