Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my being single is dangerous.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
