I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
