i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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