It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
