we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
