Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
