I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
