chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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