Your face is a jimmy john
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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