dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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