Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you had me at cake vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
